wow. can’t believe my last entry was almost a year ago… and it was about p. ugh… and now…. it’s about d. i can’t believe i’m here…all over again… but this time… i feel like i really got screwed over. at least p contributed the relationship. all d did was take, take, take and take some more. that f’ing assface. i’m the stupid one, though bc i gave, gave, gave and then gave some more. he took it all and lied, manipulated, and lied some more and made me believe all these things about him which weren’t true. yet….why do i still miss the f’er? =/
oooh i’m so pissed at him right now. i’m so angry i can’t even think straight enough to put my anger into words. it would be more along the lines of a really loud ear piercing grunt. i really hate men sometimes.
i kno…i’ve got trust issues, and i know that these issues have nothing to do with him, but i really need to get over them because i really don’t want to lose him. i feel like an idiot for all these stupid posts.
why don’t i fully trust him?
is there something in the water? have the winds changed? scott seems to more affectionate lately. is it because he knows how friday affected me? or is it because he just felt….differently for no reason at all lately? and yet, i’m STILL so fucking jealous. i hate this. what the hell is wrong with me?!
btw…i forgot to add in the last post….names have been changed…just because i wanted to.
i don’t know what it is about ann. i mean… she looks like a dude, she’s got man-hands, and she’s well…for the most part, pretty slutty, and yet… i feel so threatened by her.
we went to b & j’s, and i knew she was going to be there, but whatever. i’d have to learn to deal with it. when we got there, scott was in the kitchen talking with k and two other friends. i really shouldn’t have been bothered so much by it because i know how much he’s turned off by her, and he said he just wanted to talk to one of the guys there. he wanted to leave chi to go to b & j’s because he wanted to play poker, but when we got there, he started talking to the people in the kitchen and just decided not to play anymore. i was pretty hurt because i felt like… wth… he’d rather talk to her and the other people than play poker with the rest of us… especially since it was his idea to play. i started to get all uncomfortable, upset, pissed off, hurt, sad, every possible negative feeling you could feel. so of course i started drinking. a lot. and it sucked because i’m not good at hiding my feelings even when i’m sober, so i did some serious acting. i just kept telling myself…. “fake it till you make it. fake it till you make it”. that’s what esther told me to do. and that’s probably the only thing that kept me from losing it. at one point during the game, i could feel myself starting to tear up so i had to leave the game and act like my contact lens fell out of place for a sec. this happened a few times, and each time i just kept looking at myself in the mirror, jumping, and trying to shake the negative energy out of my hands and holding back the tears while i kept repeating to myself, “you love scott more than you hate ann. this is nothing. don’t let it get to you”
ann and jay left around 130 and scott decides he wants to go home around 2. i was just like…it’s only 2. why don’t you just go home…i’m gonna still go out. the game ended around 230, so we all started to leave, but i had no desire to go home with scott, so i told him i was going to go to ray’s and hang out with jan, and i was going to sleep over at jan’s. i know i was being standoffish especially since i didn’t want him to do anything for me like drive me to ray’s in the freezing cold. i was so drunk, i don’t even really remember most of my walk to ray’s.
i drank more at ray’s and saw a few old friends i hadn’t seen in a looooong time. it made me feel so much better. i realized how much i didn’t like going to ray’s with him because of all the attention he gets when he’s there. it’s not a jealous thing. it’s more like a protective thing. i don’t want anybody to harass him. i just want him to have a good time when he’s there. anyway, that’s another story.
when i went to jan’s, the last thing i remember was telling jan how i was so hurt by scott, and crying myself to sleep.
these past couple days have been the hardest for me since the beginning of our relationship because i feel like if i let on exactly how much he hurt me friday night, i might have fucked this up. instead, he knows he did something wrong, but i’m just trying to ignore it and be above it. i figure until i actually do feel completely comfortable and confident about my relationship with scott, ann and any other lady that looks hot or not that tries to test my relationship, i just gotta fake my confidence.
most of the time, the best things in life are the hardest ones to attain. good things don’t come easy, and besides… good things come to those who wait. i’m working on myself and my own issues cause i know i’m just going through a difficult time in my life right now. but as far as scott goes…
i gotta fake it till i make it.